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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29831655">another wave of a miracle</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/numinousliebe/pseuds/numinousliebe'>numinousliebe</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>9-1-1 (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Canon Compliant, Character Study, Eddie appreciates Buck like a lot, Eddie's pov, Feelings Realization, Friends to Lovers, Getting Together, Kinda?, Light Angst, M/M, Nightmares, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Roommates, because who knows where this is going</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-03-04</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-03-15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 08:09:07</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>9,714</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29831655</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/numinousliebe/pseuds/numinousliebe</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Buck is a savior and healer, in every sense of the word. He is the very definition of it; a mender of broken hearts and cracked bones. He saved Christopher, saved the most important and precious person in Eddie’s life. But Eddie wishes nonetheless, Buck’s very existence shouldn't have to depend on saving anyone. Because who saves the savior? Who saves the wave, when it washes you ashore only to hit the ground itself?</p><p>Or: Buck can't handle living with Albert anymore. Eddie offers him to stay at his place. What could possibly go wrong?</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>222</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hi! :) I couldn't stop thinking about writing a multi-chapter fic in Eddie's POV, so here we are: This is my first fanfiction in this fandom and I'm still fairly new to fanfiction writing in general. (English isn't my mother tongue either.) So: In case there are any grammar or tense mistakes, I apologize!</p><p>I hope you enjoy!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>There are times when Eddie still tastes dirt on his tongue. Feels the weight of the entire ground on his body. He rarely dreams about this night, only recalls Buck’s hot hands holding onto him, his fast and sharp breathing pounding in his ears. He likes to think about the positive outcomes of this night: a young boy, the exact same age as Chris, saved, and him reunited with his team. Still:</p><p>After those dreams, he catches himself standing in Christopher’s door frame, his eyes frantically searching his face, to make sure he's okay. Only then, reassured enough, he calls someone – sometimes Bobby, most of the time Buck. He is quiet in his support: Buck reassures Eddie that he is okay, he got out in time, and that – he hates thinking about that night, too. That he would’ve dug Eddie out with his bare hands, hadn’t everybody else stopped him. Eddie tends to change the topic after that.</p><p>His dreams of Afghanistan on the other hand return every few weeks, usually after a heavy shift. There were no positive outcomes in Afghanistan, only: Harsh, dull bullets barely missing him, dust that never seemed to settle, burning eyes, heavy gasping, and blood. So much blood. The blood he desperately tried to rub off his hands, when another soldier died, a soldier he swore to heal, swore to save. But the blood stuck to his skin, became a part of his body, his memory, and lastly, a part of him.</p><p>Eddie received a medal for his work: a silver star, something he should put up on his wall, gloat over, a story worth telling. He only remembers his vibrating body, his desperate need to save everyone. <em>To save anyone</em>. To get home and tell Christopher and Shannon, that he was worth something.</p><p>There was nothing to gloat over; there is never anything heroic about war. Lives spent; lives saved. Lives wasted.</p><p>He dreams about Afghanistan, but there isn’t anybody to call.</p><p>*</p><p>Eddie is aware of the fact, that he seems like a serious guy. He was trained to never lose his cool, to be calm and collected, because <em>calm and collected</em> could save lives. He brushes his emotions off as if they couldn’t touch him, as if they were ice that simply melts away. Eddie’s emotions are anything but: They are heavy and hot, a fire that builds and builds, until his words become harsh and his fists get bloody. Until he explodes.</p><p>Buck isn’t like that. Buck’s emotions are loud, his devotion and bravery even louder. Buck is impulsive, impatient, and sometimes absurdly self-sacrificing. He breathes his work; won’t stop for a second to think, because saving is what he does. If Eddie believed in past lives, Buck would be a healer and savior in every single one. Caring is second nature to Buck: caring about family, strangers, friends – Eddie. Christopher. Caring and offering himself, <em>again and again and again</em>.</p><p>Nevertheless: When Buck tells them about his parents, about the secret dead sibling he was supposed to save and couldn’t – Eddie wants to scream. He no longer wants to be calm and collected. He wants to be loud in his protest, wants to tell Buck how much he means to him, to them, to everyone. How much he means to every person he saved, every person he will save in the future, too.</p><p>Because Buck is a savior and healer, in every sense of the word. He is the very definition of it; a mender of broken hearts and cracked bones. He saved Christopher, saved the most important and precious person in Eddie’s life. But Eddie wishes nonetheless, Buck’s very existence shouldn’t have to depend on it. On saving anyone. Because who saves the savior? Who saves the wave, when it washes you ashore only to hit the ground itself?</p><p>*</p><p>It’s 6 AM and Eddie can barely keep his eyes open. Their 24 hours shift is almost over and Eddie is practically begging for Cap’s food and his warm, soft bed. He doesn’t even notice Buck walking over to him, until:</p><p>“I need Albert to move out”, Buck exhales, flopping onto the couch next to him, “or well – I need to move out.”</p><p>Eddie chuckles. “It’s your apartment, Buck, you shouldn’t have to move out”, he turns his head to the side, “honestly, you deserve some peace and quiet. We annoyed you enough during quarantine.”</p><p>Buck shakes his head. “No – no, you didn’t. Living with Chim was fine and I mean, I loved – I liked living with you. It’s just Albert who gets on my nerves because he–“</p><p>“Doesn’t do laundry, doesn’t cook, doesn’t clean up. And now he’s sleeping with the worst date you ever had that lives across the hall.”</p><p>Buck’s shoulders fall and he sinks into himself. It would be hilarious how small Buck can make himself look if it didn’t tear Eddie’s heart apart so easily.</p><p>“I complain a lot about him, don’t I? I’m sorry, man.”</p><p>Eddie frowns. “I didn’t mean it like that, Buck.” He looks around the station, Hen and Chimney are talking downstairs, Bobby is preparing food. Otherwise, it’s pretty unoccupied and quiet. He sits up, turns his entire body to Buck.</p><p>“What are your options?”</p><p>Buck blinks. “My options?”</p><p>“I want to help you fix this. So. What are your options?”</p><p>Buck leans back, breathes out slowly. “I – I could send Albert to Maddie and Chim, but they have enough on their plate with the baby as it is. I could – help him find an apartment, but he doesn’t have a job right now and during Covid, it’s kind of hard to do – literally anything. I could let him stay at Veronica’s forever, but I doubt she’d be happy about it”, he tilts his head to the side, a desperate expression painting his face, “or – I could suck it up and wait until he is back on his feet.”</p><p>Eddie draws his eyebrows together, crosses his arms. Because – <em>who saves the savior? Who helps the wave back to the sea?</em></p><p>“Or”, he swallows, “you could move in – with me. And Chris.”</p><p>Buck’s eyes widen. “What?”</p><p>Eddie nods, suddenly calm and collected. “You are over a lot, anyway. Chris would love to have you there – and you can help me out, too”, Eddie grins, “and cook, man. We need someone to cook for us.”</p><p>“I – are you sure, Eddie?” Buck is conflicted. The corner of his mouth quirk up every few seconds, but he pushes them down, his eyes glassy.</p><p>Eddie puts a hand on Buck's shoulder, a warm pressure. “Yes. We would love to have you”, he pauses, “only if you want to, of course.”</p><p>And then, because <em>it’s Buck</em>, because Buck is loud with his emotions, happiness radiates from his entire body, his face split in a wide grin, every bit of tension completely gone.</p><p>“Are you kidding me? Living with you and Chris? That’s like movie and video game nights but – every day.”</p><p>Eddie can’t stop his own smile. “And homework. And forcing Chris to sleep. And cleaning. And more homework.”</p><p>Buck tosses his arm over Eddie’s shoulder, who conveniently ignores the warm pressure in his belly.</p><p>“And even more movies. And video games.”</p><p>Eddie shakes his head, amused. “You have no idea, what you just agreed to, Buck. An exclusive look inside single parenthood.”</p><p>Buck lets his arm fall and Eddie fails not to mourn the loss. “I mean – you won’t be alone now.”</p><p>No –<em> he won’t</em>. Eddie should be scared. Terrified even, to let someone so close to him and Chris again. Another person to leave, another person to pick up the pieces afterward. But it’s Buck. <em>It’s Evan Buckley</em>. His best friend, the man, who saved his son, who wouldn’t stop looking for him, until he saw him with his very own eyes. Who collapsed immediately after, as if his sole mission was finished and he could finally rest.</p><p>How could you possibly be scared of someone leaving, when they are the wave always washing you ashore?</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Thank you for reading! Comments and kudos are very appreciated. :)</p><p>(I also hope they're not completely OOC here.)</p><p>The title is from the song "The Curse" by Agnes Obel.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hi guys! First of all, a big thank you for every kudos and comment, it truly means a lot! &lt;3</p>
<p>I absolutely love writing in Eddie's POV - I hope nobody gets bored of my little "character study prose" in the beginning of the chapter. As always: I apologize for mistakes. </p>
<p>I hope y'all enjoy! :)</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Eddie has a complicated relationship with his parents. To this day he’s not quite sure, if they just mean it a little bit too well or if they truly don’t expect him to succeed at anything. Ironically distance – moving to L.A. – helped them mend their relationship, at least to the degree Eddie is comfortable with. They call once a week to talk to him for a few minutes and then usually speak to Chris for another thirty. No more looking over his shoulder and correcting his parenting, unsolicited advice about food or bedtime.  </p>
<p>They can be a lot. They were a lot. </p>
<p>When Shannon got pregnant, Eddie wasn’t ready. He was not ready to be a father, to be someone to anyone. To be responsible for a child that demanded love, affection and guidance. Looking back on that – remembering the sinking feeling of dread in his stomach at the mere thought of having a child – he only feels one thing: shame. </p>
<p>Eddie never considered himself to be a runner: for someone who would run away from responsibility, who would rather live in a comfortable fantasy than in the ugly truth. Faced with this bombshell, faced with his parents’ judgment, their watchful eyes, and disapproving looks: He ran.</p>
<p>He didn’t run to a comfortable fantasy. The guilt of leaving was too much already; rewarding himself with a comfortable life? With a fantasy vision? Even then, Eddie couldn’t bear that. He ran into war instead and punished himself there every day. Tried to make up to Shannon and Chris by saving other people, by saving anyone. By supporting his family from afar with money, while supporting his army family with tending to their wounds. Shannon once told him, that she needed him at home. That his support right there, with her, would’ve meant more than any money he could’ve earned. </p>
<p>Eddie never truly told her how he felt, never really let her in. He couldn’t – always felt like he had to be strong and solid as a rock; a provider to her and Chris. But if he had the chance now, if he could talk to her for one more time, he’d tell her, that he never really felt like he could be anything to anyone. That he wasn’t someone to be needed, someone to provide.</p>
<p>If Eddie could talk to her one more time, he’d tell her, that he was never solid as a rock, only sand that slipped through your fingers when you dared to touch it.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>*</p>
<p>Being a parent and a firefighter are two quite different things: They each require a special skill set. Not everybody can be a parent (or should be one for that matter) or a firefighter. But there is one thing that both titles need: quick thinking. You need to adapt to the situation at hand and change your own plans accordingly. Need to see the situation for what it is and think it through: If I go for Plan A, where will it lead me? And what happens if I go for Plan B instead?</p>
<p>Standing in his own living room, listening to Buck and Chris doing the dishes in the kitchen, about 24 hours before Buck moves in, Eddie can admit he hasn’t really thought this one through. </p>
<p>Buck and Eddie had talked plenty about it. Chris was the first topic on their agenda: Buck wanted to ask Chris beforehand because his opinion mattered the most. Eddie nodded and agreed, because of course – <em>Chris always comes first.</em> Buck smiled and started chatting about an interesting Wikipedia article he read the day before, but Eddie felt shaken and unbalanced. Because the first thought that crossed his mind was: He doesn’t need to ask Chris for anything regarding Buck because Buck is always welcome. <em>Buck is always supposed to be there.</em></p>
<p>There is nothing Eddie wouldn’t invite Buck to. Nothing too intimate or too parental or – too much in any capacity. Eddie sees Buck next to him in everything Chris-related: his following ten birthday parties, his graduation, their Christmas celebrations, even at the parents’ conferences, because more often than not Buck helps Chris with his homework and Eddie only watches from the sidelines. </p>
<p>Eddie relies on Buck. Not just as a partner at work, not just as a friend he can confide in, but also as another parental figure for Chris. Eddie knows that unconventional family constellations exist and family doesn’t necessarily mean blood – or two people who are significant others . Nevertheless: Who is Buck to Chris? Who is Chris to Buck? And where does he fit in Eddie’s life? Family? Sure, but–</p>
<p>“You are thinking way too hard over there.” Eddie jumps at Buck’s voice, his shoulders fall.</p>
<p>“Sorry”, he sits down, runs a hand over his face, “Chris’ English teacher called and told me Chris was ready for a more advanced reading list and while that makes me very proud of him, I’m not ready for all the new books we’ll have to read together and man, all the new voices I have to develop and–“</p>
<p>Buck snorts. “Any parent would be happy to finally read something different after being forced to read the same books over and over again.”</p>
<p>Eddie sighs, leans back on the couch. “I’m comfortable with what we have going on right now. Like: he wants to read the book with the yellow cover? Sure, I’ll be the dragon and he plays the frog. The book with the turquoise cover? I’m the blacksmith and he’s the prince on the run”, he looks up to Buck, whose arms are crossed, amusement written all over his face, “we have a good thing going.”</p>
<p>“Eddie, do you seriously not know the title of those books?” Buck laughs at Eddie’s offended demeanor. </p>
<p>“I’ve never seen their title! Chris is always ready with the book open when I get to his room and I don’t do anything with those books other than close them when we’re done”, Buck is still laughing but Eddie isn’t finished, “and he usually wants to bring them back to his bookcase by himself, so I really don’t get a chance and can you please stop laughing?”</p>
<p>Buck shakes his head, settles on the couch next to Eddie, beaming. “You can’t convince me this isn’t hilarious. I know their titles, Eddie. The yellow book is called Tiny Dragon and the turquoise one is The Secret Knight.” </p>
<p>Eddie watches Buck, his glittering eyes, the utter delight in his expression. He can’t help but join in. </p>
<p>“Fine. You win. I should know the titles of the books I’m reading to my kid, you have me convinced. This still doesn’t fix my problem.”</p>
<p>Buck’s smile grows shier, more modest. “Well, I can read the new books to him, if you want to. I actually like reading and I’m not intimidated by new children's books”, he pauses, considers Eddie, “and if I move in with you guys, I’m here anyway”, Buck draws his eyebrows together, “I mean, if the offer still stands.”</p>
<p>Eddie sits up, tilts his head to the side. “Buck”, his voice grows even softer at Buck’s anxious face, “we literally decided you were moving in tomorrow after our shift. You already packed your stuff and we told everyone – well everyone important. Albert threw you a little one on one moving-out party, which is kind of strange since it’s still your apartment and your furniture and you're paying the rent but – we planned this.”</p>
<p>Buck breathes out loudly. “I know. It’s just – I lived at Abby’s for so long, it made me feel like an intruder and it wasn’t really any better at Chim’s or Maddie’s. When I had a place of my own, I finally felt like I wasn’t intruding on anybody. And it was fine when you or Chim were staying at my place because it was limited to a certain time frame”, he grimaces, “that sounds wrong. I don’t know how to explain it. Just – with Albert living there for an undefinable time – I feel like an intruder in my own home again”, he sighs, his voice barely above a whisper, “I want to stop feeling like an intruder everywhere I go, Eddie.”</p>
<p>Eddie’s heart aches. “You will never be an intruder here, Buck. We – want you here. Chris wants you here all the time. I”, he swallows, “I want you here.”</p>
<p>It’s the truth. Eddie wouldn’t have offered otherwise. Because Evan Buckley doesn’t want to take; he only wants to give. He wants to give everything of him, until there is nothing left, until he feels like an intruder in his own home. Until he’s a mere shadow living in the comfort of other people. Somehow, he still finds himself at fault. Buck could bleed himself dry and then blame himself for not having more blood to give. </p>
<p>Eddie doesn’t think he’s a natural caregiver. He’s closed off, too practical and stubborn. If you’re not cautious enough, you could easily get burned. There is only one exception: Christopher. When he held his son in his arms for the first time, this tiny body, those tiny hands that reached out to him, someone who truly depended on him – he wanted to try. He truly wanted to.</p>
<p>Looking at Buck now, another person that wasn’t properly cared for, that will give everything and expect nothing, because that was the way he was taught, makes Eddie want to take care of him, too. </p>
<p>The tension leaves Buck’s body. He nods a few times, his eyes darting around the room. “I never had a favorite book as a child, you know?”</p>
<p>Eddie blinks, surprised by the sudden change of topic. “Oh?“</p>
<p>“My parents never read to me. Only Maddie ever did, when I begged her to and she only had her own books. And it never really mattered to me what the story was about, you know? I just liked having my sister next to me”, Eddie smiles at Buck’s wistful expression, “But there was this one book about a boy riding on his bike all around the world – I mean, he even went underwater and into the clouds, it was pretty impressive. I absolutely loved it, but it was so unlike Maddie – at the time I thought, maybe Maddie bought a book for me but didn’t want to admit it. Now I wonder if this book was actually Daniel’s and Maddie just kept it secretly.”</p>
<p><em>Jesus</em>. “I’m sorry, Buck.”</p>
<p>Buck shrugs. “It’s fine”, his mouth tightens, “actually, it’s not fine. I don’t want any child to ever feel that way. Like they aren’t allowed to just be, you know? I always felt like such a disappointment. But how could I possibly compete with their dead son and win? I was never meant to have a personality or my own interests. I was a constant reminder to them of what they’ve lost. They never wanted to know me. It was tiring, you know?”, he exhales, “Chris can have forty different favorite books for all I care. I never want him to feel like he has to water himself down for anyone. To please anyone.” </p>
<p>Eddie isn’t a natural caregiver. He never really knows when it’s the time to be vulnerable and when it’s too much when he is too loud or too quiet when he is supposed to step in or let it lie. Sometimes he’s too guarded, other times he’s far too affected. He can be completely strategic and not let emotions cloud his judgment – or he’s standing in a supermarket screaming at this best friend in front of all of their coworkers; cutting a line to save a child in Chris’ age. He is either solid as a rock or sand that dissolves right in front of your eyes. <em>But god, he wants to try.</em> He wants to try to be more than that, a middle ground in some way. Maybe the beach, catching the wave right before it disappears. </p>
<p>“You can read to Chris every night if you want to”, Buck’s eyes abruptly catch his, “or we can do it together. Usually, there are more than two characters and I get exhausted doing three voices at the same time.”</p>
<p>Eddie can’t read Buck’s face. A part of him wants to take those words back, too intimate and too much for anyone to handle. But Eddie knows Buck: his insecurities, his way of masking his feelings. There may be things that are too much for Eddie, but nothing is too much for Buck. People always took too much from him and never gave anything back. Eddie won’t be one of them.</p>
<p>“We can talk about it tomorrow, right?” It’s an answer in a non-answer <em>and it’s enough.</em></p>
<p>Eddie smiles, gives Buck’s shoulder a nudge. “Yeah. Tomorrow.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>*</p>
<p>Eddie dreams again that night. He can’t really put a finger on what’s happening – there are flashes of blood and dirt, loud noises, empty bullet shells. There is water everywhere, completely overwhelming him, drowning him. He can barely catch his breath. At one point he imagines warm fingertips on his arm, digging deeper and deeper as if they were trying to hold onto him without slipping away. <em>They don’t succeed. </em></p>
<p>He drowns, he burns, he suffocates on dirt. He bleeds out on the war ground, surrounded by warm, dead bodies, surrounded by loneliness and devastation. Every time a boy in red glasses comes to his mind, he pushes that thought away. He still feels warm fingertips on his arm. When he drowns, he swears, the waves are trying to save him, to water him ashore.<em> They don’t succeed.</em></p>
<p>When Eddie wakes up, his eyes immediately go wide. He pushes his hands into the fabric of his duvet cover, listens to nothing but his heavy breathing. The quietness comforts him for the first time: being surrounded by no noise, no feeling other than the warmth of his blanket. He’s sweaty and exhausted, his eyes burn as if he hadn’t slept at all.</p>
<p>When he looks at his phone and sees the time reflecting back at him, he realizes, he only slept for one hour. Buck’s last text messages are still visible:</p>
<p>
  <strong>[1:31AM] i cant believe this is my last night in my own bed</strong>
</p>
<p>
  <strong>[1:32AM] that sounds dramatic</strong>
</p>
<p>
  <strong>[1:35AM] is your couch even comfortable enough????</strong>
</p>
<p>
  <strong>[1:50AM] eddie, can i buy you a new couch if your old one sucks?</strong>
</p>
<p>Eddie rubs a hand over his face, turns his phone away from him. It’s been ages since he had a nightmare this bad without having a shift beforehand. Maybe it’s a sign that he truly isn’t thinking any of this through, but a part of him still senses warm fingertips on his arm, trying to save him every time and <em>he wants to trust that feeling more.</em></p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Thank you for reading! Comments and kudos are always greatly appreciated! &lt;3</p>
<p>(Also: I can't believe the midseason finale is airing next week. I'm so excited [and scared] lmao!)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hi guys! I'm back with a slightly longer chapter and we're getting...somewhere! Thank you again for your kudos and comments. &lt;3</p>
<p>Also: Considering the mid-season finale, we're kinda going canon-divergent now, I guess? Who even knows.</p>
<p>As always, I apologize for any mistakes! (I edited this chapter at 1AM after a 8 hour shift, so I don't even know if anything makes sense anymore.)</p>
<p>Long story, short: I hope, you enjoy this chapter and our adorable boys!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Eddie sometimes forgets there was a time before Buck. Before he knew Evan Buckley, the first person he’d call in an emergency, the person he trusts most when it comes to his own kid. He knows there was a time: <em>a before.</em></p>
<p>Before he moved to L.A., before Shannon went away without a word, before he came back from Afghanistan, before Chris was born, before he even met Shannon – before. He survived. He survived before, survived his parents and their meddling, survived his fights with Shannon, survived war. Overcame his fear of being a bad father, of moving away from his parents, overcame his anger at Shannon. <em>He didn’t need Buck for that.</em></p>
<p>Nevertheless, it’s strange. It’s like his brain recognized Buck as someone, something he needed, a chemical he wasn’t aware he was lacking before and now, that he knows a universe with Buck – he can’t operate without it.</p>
<p>He barely remembers his thoughts during the lawsuit. He only recalls his clenched fists, the unbearable need to scream at everyone and barely holding it together. He remembers Chris asking for Buck, again and again, every time getting a bit quieter and sadder, and Eddie telling him <em>“not now, buddy, now’s not a good time”.</em></p>
<p>It was never a good time for Buck. When he screamed at Buck in the supermarket, surrounded by everyone from the 118, he truly thought he was angry on the behalf of Chris. Because Buck forced his son to be without a best friend. Looking back, he thinks, his screams were purely for himself.</p>
<p>He wasn’t okay. <em>He tried to be.</em> He tried to keep the anger at bay, tried to be positive and happy for Christopher, tried to be enough. He tried to survive without Buck, tried to overcome everything on his own. When clenching his fists and jaw wasn’t enough anymore, he started hitting others instead.</p>
<p>He hardly remembers his thoughts during the street fights either. Only recalls his feelings: the hot anger, the sharp shame, and the cold feeling of loneliness. Anger and shame, he knew. The loneliness, however, was new.</p>
<p>Eddie knew hot feelings. They made him act, made his belly ache and his face distorted. But cold feelings only paralyzed: they drain you of everything you have, make you slower and smaller, until there is nothing left of you; only a mere shadow of yourself.</p>
<p>So: Eddie barely remembers his thoughts during this time. But he remembers his words clearly. The ugly, twisted syllables he formed with his mouth and threw at Buck’s head. He remembers Buck’s expression: his face crumbled, his mouth open, his eyes shocked. He will never forget it, the one emotion Eddie never wanted to be responsible for: hurt.</p>
<p><em>Exhausting.</em> He called Buck exhausting.</p>
<p>The reality was: Eddie was exhausted. He was exhausted without Buck, without his real partner at work, his best friend next to him and Chris on his couch playing video-games. He was exhausted without Buck’s light-hearted advice, his open heart, and helping hand.</p>
<p>Eddie never realized how much heaviness Buck took from his life, until he was gone. Eddie never realized how much he had to carry on his own, until Buck was in his life. And without him, everything felt crushing.</p>
<p>Because the truth is: Buck was never exhausting. <em>Everything else was.</em></p>
<p> </p>
<p>*</p>
<p>Bobby always complains about him and Buck getting into mischief, disobeying orders and playing heroes. But when it comes to outside-of-work shenanigans, Chimney and Hen definitely take the cake. Eddie can hear them whispering and laughing, like middle school students in the school cafeteria. Meanwhile, Bobby and Buck are cooking together upstairs and Eddie scrolls through all the Postmates options for later: They wanted to order in for their first joint family dinner. It was Chris’ idea. Eddie wasn’t able to contain his smile.</p>
<p>“Eddie, do you want to make a bet, too?” Eddie looks up to Chim and Hen, who are staring at him, expectantly.</p>
<p>He raises his eyebrows. He only heard three things before: Albert, Buck and Veronica. Which can’t be good. “Are you seriously betting on our mutual friend, <em>your future brother-in-law</em>, and your actual brother, Chimney?”</p>
<p>Chim shrugs, slightly grinning. “I have no qualms making bets on Albert. And cute baby clothes are expensive, so I’ll take all the bets I can get”, he gives Hen another twenty bucks, “Maddie won’t mind. Our baby girl comes first.”</p>
<p>Eddie shakes his head. “I don’t even get the bet. Veronica already slept with Albert. And Buck doesn’t like her.”</p>
<p>Hen leans forward, smirking. “Yeah, but that’s not what the bet is about.”</p>
<p>“See, Hen here thinks Buck will sleep with Taylor before Albert breaks up with Veronica”, Chim folds his arms behind his head, “but I know my baby brother and he won’t date her for much longer.”</p>
<p>“Buck and Taylor are only friends, guys”, they both stare at him, unconvinced, “what? Buck told me, they decided to stay friends.”</p>
<p>Hen turns her head to the side, her eyes softening. “You don’t truly believe that, do you, Eddie?”, he only blinks, “you sweet, innocent child. Sure, they’ll be friends. And then they’ll sleep together.”</p>
<p>Eddie ignores the sinking feeling in his stomach, takes out his wallet and gives Hen thirty dollars. “Albert will break up with Veronica and Buck won’t sleep with Taylor. That’s my bet.”</p>
<p>Chim and Hen look at each other for a quick second. Hen shrugs, packs the money away. “I’ll take it. We’ll see, who’s right.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>*</p>
<p>It’s after their shift. Buck is drumming his fingers on the dashboard to the soft music of the radio. The shift was fairly peaceful: a few minor road accidents, a little fire they quickly got under control, a few welfare checks. Eddie is still buzzing with unused energy, Buck, on the other hand, is quiet. It’s an unusual dynamic for them.</p>
<p>When they stop at a red light, Eddie turns his head to study Buck.</p>
<p>“Everything okay?”</p>
<p>Buck jumps. “What?”</p>
<p>Eddie raises his eyebrows. “Is everything okay?”</p>
<p>“Oh”, Buck smiles, “yeah. I just remembered a conversation I had with Maddie. She once told me I should’ve brought something to your house, because it’s what you do as a guest. And I told her I wasn’t really a guest here”, he furrows his eyebrows, “I mean, technically I was.”</p>
<p>“No, you weren’t”, Eddie interrupts.</p>
<p>Buck’s smile widens. “Well, anyways. Now I’m really not a guest anymore. Like”, he pauses for a second, “Remember our first meeting? Man, I was so jealous of you, it’s so strange looking back.”</p>
<p>Eddie rolls his eyes, turns his attention towards the road. “You were ridiculous.”</p>
<p>“I thought, you were replacing me. Like a – better, cooler, more adjusted version of me. I could’ve never imagined gaining a partner in the field, instead.”</p>
<p>“I could never replace you anyway, Buck.” Eddie feels Buck’s warm eyes on his face, but doesn’t turn around.</p>
<p>Eddie wasn’t sure what to think of Buck when they first met. Sure, there were a few obvious things: He was a good-looking, charming and trained guy, who knew what he was doing in the field. The almost unbearable kindness, the selflessness that borders on self-sacrifice, his warm eyes and loving support: those are things, Eddie got to know later.</p>
<p>Now, after working side by side for years, Eddie’s left with <em>this</em>: Buck is cold water, giving everything life. He’s the wave, carrying ships to their destination, holding surfers high. Eddie, on the other hand, is hot sand. He can bury the fire, suffocate the flames. He can be the shore you crawl to. But he will never be water. He will never be able to replace Buck.</p>
<p>They work best as partners: the wave washing people ashore. Because: <em>what is water without a safe haven to land? And what is sand without water to greet it?</em></p>
<p>Water and sand can both distinguish fire. But too long without each other, and they are natural disasters waiting to happen.</p>
<p>“For the record”, Eddie tightens his grip on the wheel, scared of what Buck is about to say, “nobody could ever replace you either.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>*</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I’m never letting you order food again, Eddie”, Buck leans back on the chair, places his hands on his stomach, “this is the most I have eaten in like years.”</p>
<p>Eddie rolls his eyes, Chris laughs. “I’m serious”, Buck pushes his plate forward, “Chris, I have a food baby inside me. Do you want to touch it? It might not be as exciting as my real niece in Maddie’s belly, but it could also make sounds!”</p>
<p>Eddie stands up. “Thank you, Eddie, for taking the time to order good food. It is greatly appreciated”, he takes all of their plates, Chris has his hands on Buck’s bloated stomach, both of them giggling, completely ignoring Eddie, “Hey, no problem, Buck, anytime!”</p>
<p>He shakes his head, takes their dishes to the kitchen. Only then, alone in the kitchen putting everything away, he allows himself to smile, to settle with a warm and distant feeling of rightness and home.</p>
<p>It’s a couple of minutes later, when Buck greets him in the kitchen with a light touch on Eddie’s arm.</p>
<p>“Chris is brushing his teeth, but I promised him the first chapter of his new book afterward”, Buck pauses, “if that’s okay?”</p>
<p>Eddie dries his hands off, watches Buck. “Why are you even asking? Of course, it’s okay.”</p>
<p>Buck leans back on the kitchen counter, laughing. „I’m sorry. I’m being stupid“, he gestures around them, “this – is just new. And I don’t want to overstep. I know, you don’t like that.”</p>
<p>Eddie frowns. “You don’t overstep, Buck.”</p>
<p>Buck continues: “And I’m not trying to take your role or be like – the good cop while you’re the bad one or anything like that. I’m totally following your lead here. I think you’re doing a good job with Chris. I mean, a great job. Anyone would be lucky to have you as their dad–“</p>
<p>“Buck”, he stops, barely holds Eddie’s gaze. Eddie crosses his arms, can hardly contain his eye roll.</p>
<p>“Chris wants you to read a bedtime story to him. You’re not signing him off to boarding school, man.”</p>
<p>Buck’s shoulders fall. “I am being stupid, huh?”</p>
<p>Eddie laughs. “Absolutely, yeah”, he softens, “it’s fine, though. But you do know there’s a difference between you and Shannon or my parents, right?”</p>
<p>Buck finally looks him in the eyes, slightly shaking his head. “Yeah?”</p>
<p>“I trust you, for one. You haven’t disappointed Chris or hurt him in any way.”</p>
<p>Buck protests. “The lawsuit–“</p>
<p>“The lawsuit doesn’t matter. Listen. It felt like Shannon was overstepping because I still didn’t trust her after – leaving, you know. And I was a little overprotective of Chris, I can admit that now. And my parents are overstepping, because”, he swallows, “they don’t trust me. Or my parenting. But do you think I worry about my abuela? Because I don’t. She trusts me and I trust her. And she wants what’s best for Christopher”, Eddie tilts his head to the side, “just like you do, Buck.”</p>
<p>Buck looks down. “I guess.“</p>
<p>Eddie chuckles. „You guess, huh? You literally saved my son from a natural disaster, Buck. There is no bigger trust test out there.”</p>
<p>Buck shrugs. “Anyone would try to save Chris. He’s a child.”</p>
<p>“You clearly overestimate everybody else”, he sighs, “Buck, how can I get it into this big skull of yours that you can’t overstep when it comes to Chris? You are my son’s safe haven, man.”</p>
<p>Buck smiles lightly, his voice gets lower. “He’s mine, too.”</p>
<p>„Yeah, I know that feeling.”</p>
<p>They both look at each other in silence, the noise of the dripping tap fading into the background. Eddie never shared this kind of connection with Shannon, this natural understanding. Shannon and Eddie never really fit: unsuitable pieces of a puzzle forcibly pushed together. Maybe it’s because of their job, working as partners day after day, but – Eddie feels understood.</p>
<p> “Buck!”</p>
<p>They both jump, startled. Buck’s eyes roam over Eddie’s face, only for a few seconds, like warm water gently touching your face. Buck’s expression is unreadable, his eyes flicker. He shakes his head, turns his attention towards the door.</p>
<p>“I’m coming, Chris!”, he screams back, looks at Eddie once again, “duty calls.”</p>
<p>Buck grins, every bit of tension vanished. Eddie tries to smile back. “Go. Before he starts screaming again and wakes up our entire neighborhood.”</p>
<p>“Our neighborhood”, Buck shakes his head, “crazy.”</p>
<p>He basically sprints out of the room, leaving Eddie behind.</p>
<p>“Yeah. <em>Crazy”</em>, Eddie murmurs back.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>*</p>
<p>Thirty minutes later Buck comes out of Chris’ room. Eddie used the spare time to put clean sheets on the couch. Buck’s smiling, a pleased look on his face. He lets himself sink into the coach.</p>
<p>“I like the new reading list.”</p>
<p>Eddie smiles back, throws the clean pillow at Buck. “Yeah?”</p>
<p>Buck pushes his nose into the pillow, looks up to Eddie. “Yeah”, he pauses, leans back, “I like reading to Chris. I mean – I like reading in general. But reading to Chris is even better, because you actually see – someone else react. And be fully invested”, Buck sighs, his cheeks mildly flushed, “I’m rambling again, am I?”</p>
<p>Eddie rubs his lips with his thumb, feels the grin under his finger. “You know me, man. I don’t talk much unless it’s about Chris. He’s the only thing I want to talk about.”</p>
<p>Buck bristles. “You talk!”</p>
<p>Eddie laughs. “We talk. But generally speaking, I’m not really that talkative.”</p>
<p>Buck shakes his head, but the gesture gets caught up in a yawn. “No”, he yawns again, “no, I disagree.”</p>
<p>“Well, you can sleep a night to think about it and then we’ll reassess it in the morning”, Buck’s eyes flutter closed, “7 AM?”</p>
<p>Buck manages a little nod. “Sounds good”, he lies down, pulls the blanket over himself, “Good night.”</p>
<p>Eddie turns off the light in the living room, studies Buck’s silhouette. His stomach turns, once, twice. Eddie swallows the feeling away. “Good night, Buck.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>*</p>
<p>
  <em>Everything’s dark. He can barely breathe. His hands are cold and numb, his legs feel heavy. There’s a weight somewhere – or rather, there’s heaviness everywhere. He tries to move his fingers, wants to touch his surroundings. But he can’t move. His mouth forms words without sound, his brain sends signals to his legs to kick, to move, to shake, and nothing happens. He’s alone. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Nobody hears him. He’s alone in the darkness, deep under the dirt. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>He would cry out for help if he could. Wants to scream and fight and live. But there’s nobody there to listen. Everybody already left.</em>
</p>
<p>He wakes up, trembling. Eddie pushes wet hair out of his face with shaking hands, tries to control his sharp breathing. He doesn’t like losing control. And dreams are nothing but losing control – to your emotions, your actions, your thoughts. <em>Eddie hates it.</em></p>
<p>During the day, he feels fine. Not perfect, <em>never perfect</em> – but fine. He takes care of Chris, stays in contact with his family, works and saves lives. Spends time with Buck and the team. And he feels okay. If it becomes too much, he clenches his fists and relaxes them, and it’s fine. <em>He feels fine.</em></p>
<p>After a dream like this, he feels anything but.</p>
<p>He looks at his phone: 3AM. He’s been asleep for four hours. And there’s no message from Buck, which is unusual, because–</p>
<p><em>he’s asleep in Eddie’s living room</em>. In their living room.</p>
<p>Buck’s messages usually soothe Eddie after a nightmare. More often than not, they’re random facts and information Buck looked up because he couldn’t fall asleep. They always helped Eddie focus on something else, on some random fact about Neptune and <em>Eddie, isn’t it insane, that some planets have multiple moons and suns and we only have one each?</em></p>
<p>Eddie never told Buck how much those messages mean to him. How much they ground him. And maybe it’s strange – and Eddie is about to cross a line he really shouldn’t – <em>but Eddie needs to see Buck</em>. Just to make sure, he’s okay.</p>
<p>He’s wobbly on his feet, tries to stay quiet nevertheless. But by the time Eddie enters the living room, he’s greeted with a very awake Buck staring at his MacBook screen, headphones over his ears. Buck hasn’t noticed him, completely focused on his task. With each second passing the nightmare already loses his edges and thorns.</p>
<p>After ten seconds, Eddie drops himself on the couch armrest. Buck jumps and his headphones fall to the ground. “Fuck. Eddie!”, he blinks, whispers, “what are you doing?”</p>
<p>“I thought you were tired.”</p>
<p>Buck raises his eyebrows, puts his MacBook down on the coffee table. “I thought you were asleep.”</p>
<p>Eddie exhales. “I was. And then I wasn’t.”</p>
<p>Buck stares at him in confusion. Suddenly, his eyes widen. “You had a nightmare.”</p>
<p>Eddie snorts unamused, closes his eyes for a second. “Yeah. Again”, he shakes his head, “and what’s your excuse?”</p>
<p>Buck shrugs. “The first night at a new place is always shitty”, he smiles tiredly, “sleepovers as a kid always sucked, because I could never sleep anywhere else. And when I got older”, he pauses, “it didn’t really matter? One-night stands are not really known for spending the night, so.”</p>
<p>Eddie makes a face. “I’m sorry.”</p>
<p>“It’s fine, Eddie. I mean – I’ll get used to the couch.”</p>
<p>His frown deepens. “Is it that bad?”</p>
<p>Buck snorts. “I’m a big guy, man. Couches generally suck”, Buck sees Eddie’s pained expression, “but I’m okay with it! I promise. My mood improved so much during this evening alone. Seriously, Eddie, don’t worry.”</p>
<p><em>But Eddie worries</em>. He didn’t think this through. Is Buck supposed to sleep on their couch for months and never get a good night’s sleep? He doesn’t really have any room for another bed, but – <em>technically.</em> There is space. And his bed is somewhat comfortable – at least more comfortable than the coach.</p>
<p>“You could just sleep with me.”</p>
<p><em>“What?”</em>, Buck’s voice squeaks, an entire octave higher.</p>
<p>Eddie’s eyes widen. “Sleep in a bed. With me!”, he can feel his cheeks redden, “I have enough space and it’s definitely better than the couch. I mean – it’s only an offer. If you’re comfortable with that.”</p>
<p>“Okay?”, Buck’s voice is still high-pitched.</p>
<p>Eddie raises his eyebrows. “Is that an answer or a question?”</p>
<p>Buck sits up. “An answer?”, Eddie chuckles, “an answer!”</p>
<p>Eddie pulls Buck’s blanket off, throws it over his shoulder. “Okay. Come.”</p>
<p>Buck blinks. <em>“Now?”</em></p>
<p>“We need to wake up in like three hours. It’s now or never.”</p>
<p>Eddie doesn’t look back, carries Buck’s blanket into his bedroom. A part of him wonders if he’s even thinking clearly or at all, but he’s tired and sleepy and seeing Buck is the only thing that made the nightmare remotely okay. So, this feels – right. This feels good.</p>
<p>
  <em>Future Eddie can worry about anything else in the morning. </em>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Thank you for reading! Kudos and comments (any kind honestly!) are very appreciated. :)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Chapter 4</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hi guys! We're almost at 10k now and there's no end in sight (yet), so who knows where this is going lmao. I wanted to thank everyone for reading, subscribing to this story, giving kudos and especially commenting (they make my day!). It truly means a lot that people are interested in this little story of mine. &lt;3</p>
<p>As always, I apologize for any mistakes! (Editing at 2-3 AM is my thing now apparently)</p>
<p>I hope, y'all enjoy this new chapter and our boys (and the entertaining and underrated duo that is Hen and Chim)! :)</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>To this day, Eddie is not sure if he’s ever been in love. Maybe it’s a disservice to Shannon, to everything they’ve built; broken or not.</p>
<p>There was time he was sure of it, <em>so fucking sure of it</em>. He liked her sweet smile, liked how she pushed her hair out of her face when someone complimented her. He liked her stubbornness, her loyalty to her mother. He simply liked her – that is the truth to this day.</p>
<p>Eddie isn’t a very flowery person; he knows that much. He’s practical about everything, even about his own feelings. He loves Chris more than anything, would give his life for him if he had to.</p>
<p>When he tries to analyze his love for Christopher, he thinks: He loves his son enough to try. Every single day. He loves his son enough to wake up every morning and to overcome his fears. He loved his son enough to come back, to fight his parents, to move a thousand miles away. He loved his son enough to protect him from people that loved him but didn’t love him in the way he truly deserved.</p>
<p>He loves Chris in a way that feels self-evident: His love for Chris is simply a fact, the mere definition of the expression <em>of course</em>. Of course, Eddie loves him. <em>How could he possibly not?</em></p>
<p>Maybe he <em>did love</em> Shannon. Maybe a part of him was actually in love. Who decides that, really? What being in love means? There are metaphors, sure: Butterflies in your stomach, finding your missing piece, a rollercoaster ride. Eddie isn’t really convinced of those expressions, though. Isn’t being in love about finding someone who enriches your life? Who just seemingly fits? Who understands you? Who can give you what you need? Someone who can smooth out your sharp edges?</p>
<p>Eddie doesn’t need butterflies. He doesn’t need rollercoasters or missing pieces. <em>He doesn’t want any of that.</em> Eddie needs someone who makes it feel okay to fall. To give away some control, control he usually desperately craves. Eddie wants to feel safe. And wants Chris to feel safe, too.</p>
<p>Is that what being in love means? Having a partner in crime? Someone he can count on? He never had that in Shannon. He’s sure she never had that in him either. Maybe they were in love. Like two people on separate escalators going in two different directions. Like swimming against the tide, pushing against the wind. Maybe they loved each other like water and oil. Like two people holding on, falling in the same direction. Like lovers doomed from the start.</p>
<p>Yeah. Maybe he did love her. <em>But when was love ever enough?</em></p>
<p> </p>
<p>*</p>
<p>It’s strange to wake up next to another person again. Sure, Chris sometimes slept over when he had a bad dream and they built a little fortress and laughed under the covers until Chris forgot all about it.</p>
<p>But Chris isn’t a fully grown adult. Buck, on the other hand, very much is.</p>
<p>Two minutes ago Eddie opened his eyes for a quick second to make sure, he wasn’t imagining things. Then, he closed them again. Buck was still asleep, his head on the mattress, his arms tightened around the pillow, hugging the very life out of it.</p>
<p>Now, Eddie senses the weight on the other side, the dip of the mattress. It almost feels grounding, which surprises Eddie because they aren’t even touching.</p>
<p>The last person he slept next to was Shannon, and that was ages ago. In addition, they weren’t on good terms for a long, long time either. He tries to think back to the beginning of his relationship with Shannon: When they first started dating. Sleeping next to her always felt good, having her warm body next to him. Eddie secretly thinks it was one of the best parts about being in a committed relationship: sleeping in a bed together, every single day. Waking up and not being alone.</p>
<p>“Eddie, I don’t know a person on this planet who thinks louder.” Buck’s voice is deeper and slower in the morning. Eddie doesn’t know what to do with this information.</p>
<p>Instead, he opens his eyes, staring directly into Buck’s. He’s smiling.</p>
<p>“Good morning, overthinker.”</p>
<p>Eddie averts his eyes, suddenly overwhelmed. “I’m not overthinking anything.”</p>
<p>Buck laughs, takes the pillow, and pushes it under his head. Reaches out and boops Eddie on the nose, who immediately furrows his eyebrows in irritation.</p>
<p>“Did you seriously just–“</p>
<p>“Yes. I did. And I will do it again if you don’t stop thinking about whatever problem Mr. Diaz is thinking about in the morning.” Buck extends his arm again, but Eddie stops him, holding his wrist.</p>
<p>“Buck”, Eddie warns, but Buck’s eyes are wide, focused on– Eddie’s hand.</p>
<p>Eddie immediately lets go. “Sorry.”</p>
<p>Buck shakes his head, hides his arms under the blanket. “What were you thinking about?”</p>
<p>Eddie turns around, stares at the ceiling, his arms crossed over his stomach. Buck’s gaze is soft, yet demanding and Eddie feels it burning on his face.</p>
<p>“Nothing”, Buck chuckles, Eddie relents, “fine. This. It’s not – I mean”, Eddie frowns, “it’s stupid, actually.”</p>
<p>It’s quiet for a few seconds. Buck shifts. “Do you know who you’re talking to?”</p>
<p>Eddie’s frown deepens, he turns to the side. Buck mirrored his previous position, eyes glued to the ceiling. “You’re not actually stupid, Buck.”</p>
<p>Buck smiles lightly. “I know”, his voice soft but more coarse than usual, “well, I’m trying to know. My therapist always tells me that I’m more than my body and more than any knowledge I can gain. I never realized learning new things had something to do with the fact that I thought I had to be knowledgeable so people would think I was smart until she pointed it out to me”, he imitates an explosion, “which blew my mind, Eddie. How could I never notice?”</p>
<p>“I don’t know”, Eddie murmurs, “but you’re really smart, Buck. Not just because of every random fact you learned. And I mean, it’s nice to be smart. But you know what’s harder than learning things and remembering them? Being kind. And I mean”, Eddie swallows, closes his eyes, “you’re overflowing with that, man.”</p>
<p>Buck makes no sound. Eddie bites on his lip, doesn’t want to take his words back. He doesn’t do this often– words of affirmation. He is able to, but it doesn’t feel completely natural to him. But if there’s one thing Eddie doesn’t want to be, it’s a liar.</p>
<p>Because there’s nothing truer than that: Buck is overflowing with kindness, almost to a breaking point.</p>
<p>“You don’t actually have to like– compliment me, Eddie. I’m fine.” Buck sounds more alert now, slightly on edge.</p>
<p>Eddie finally opens his eyes, searches Buck’s face. Eddie never really looked at Buck’s side profile: The straight line of his nose that ends in a softer button, his expressive chin, the cupid’s bow of his lips–</p>
<p><em>He blinks</em>. “Come on, Buck. You know me. Do you honestly think I would say this just to push your ego?”</p>
<p>Buck shrugs. “No?”</p>
<p>Eddie snorts. “Thank you.”</p>
<p>They’re silent for a while. Eddie watches the sunbeams dancing on his bare walls, only listens to his own and Buck’s breathing. He doesn’t remember the last time he felt so peaceful in the morning, so at ease with himself. He rubs his eyes, exhales loudly.</p>
<p>“Eddie?”, Buck’s voice is hesitant.</p>
<p>The sun wanders to Eddie’s face; he closes his eyes. “Yeah?”</p>
<p>“What was your nightmare about?”, he pauses, “you don’t have to tell me. Obviously. I was just wondering.”</p>
<p>It always seems ridiculous in the morning. Being scared of anything at all. When the sun is out, birds are singing, the wind’s caressing trees. Everything seems softer and lighter; the morning gently forgiving the night for all its sins.</p>
<p>“I don’t really remember a lot”, he sighs, “it’s just – impressions and feelings, you know? And it’s always dizzying in a way. Like my brain can’t decide on an actual – setting. The impressions change”, he swallows, opens his eyes to the blinding light, “the feelings usually don’t.”</p>
<p>“That sucks.”</p>
<p>Eddie can’t help but laugh. “Yeah.” He’s suddenly glad Buck isn’t asking for more: For an actual explanation. Eddie isn’t sure he’s ready or even capable of giving one.</p>
<p>Buck moves again, groans. “It’s 6:59 AM. Chris will be awake any–“, <em>three alarms start ringing</em>, “second.”</p>
<p>Eddie burrows his face into the pillow, pokes at his phone to turn the alarm off. “This can go two ways. Either we’re pulling Chris out of his bed or he’s pulling us out of ours.”</p>
<p>Before Buck can even answer, the sound of crutches echoes in the hallway.</p>
<p>“Well, there’s our answer.” Eddie groans into the pillow, Buck giggles.</p>
<p>
  <em>Future Eddie surprisingly had nothing to worry about.</em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>*</p>
<p>“Bet Buck vs. Albert is still on-going”, Chim proudly exclaims, dropping himself on a chair across the couch Hen and Eddie are sitting on, both silently typing away on their phones.</p>
<p>Hen looks up first. “Do you have any updates? Is there even any development?”</p>
<p>“Well”, Chim wiggles his eyebrows, “I just overheard Buck talking on the phone with Taylor. And”, he leans forward, “he was laughing.”</p>
<p>Eddie rolls his eyes. “He was laughing? How old are you, Chim? Twelve?”</p>
<p>“Hey!”, he protests, “it was flirtingly laughing. I know the difference.”</p>
<p>“Do you really?”, Eddie asks, dead-pan.</p>
<p>Chim turns to Hen. “Come on, defend me for once, Hen. It’s your job as my best friend.”</p>
<p>“Yeah…no”, she leans back, “because Eddie isn’t wrong. Buck laughing with Taylor is your juicy new development?”</p>
<p>Chim’s shoulders drop. “Well, kind of?”, he pauses, “I was at Buck’s yesterday– well, it’s kind of Albert’s now? Anyway, Maddie and I visited Albert, and he told me, Victoria and he are still sleeping together but now that Buck’s gone, she’s over more and it’s slowly getting on his nerves.”</p>
<p>Eddie frowns. “Buck literally moved out yesterday?”</p>
<p>Chimney perks up. “Exactly! And I mean, Buck has a job and he was constantly over at yours or mine anyway, so – that’s good news!”</p>
<p>Hen shakes her head. “Go back to Buck flirtingly laughing with Taylor, I liked that outcome more.”</p>
<p>Eddie doesn’t. He looks down at this message thread with Buck:</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <strong>[2:47PM] save me a seat next to you on the couch, I just need to shower quickly</strong>
</p>
<p>
  <strong>
    <em>[2:47PM] No guarantees, Buck, Hen’s relentless</em>
  </strong>
</p>
<p>
  <strong>[2:55PM] never mind, cap wants to talk to me</strong>
</p>
<p>
  <strong>[2:55PM] that always makes me feel like a teenager again about to be scolded by his parents</strong>
</p>
<p>
  <strong>
    <em>[2:57PM] Everything okay?</em>
  </strong>
</p>
<p>
  <strong>[3:05PM] yeah, he just wanted to show me his new secret recipe</strong>
</p>
<p>
  <strong>[3:05PM] no comfy couch for buck :(</strong>
  <strong> kitchen duty calls</strong>
</p>
<p>
  <strong>
    <em>[3:07PM] That just sounds like a new recipe you can cook for Chris and I</em>
  </strong>
</p>
<p>
  <strong>[3:30PM] i know bobby’s evil plan now </strong>
</p>
<p>
  <strong>[3:30PM] he’s teaching me all those recipes so he doesn’t have to cook for us anymore in like one year </strong>
</p>
<p>
  <strong>[3:30PM] this is an investment</strong>
</p>
<p>
  <strong>[3:31PM] eddie, am i bobbys pet project? </strong>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Eddie chuckles, everything else forgotten. He types back:</p>
<p>
  <strong>
    <em>[3:34PM] You only noticed?</em>
  </strong>
</p>
<p>“What are you grinning about, Eddie?”</p>
<p>Eddie jumps at Chim’s suggestive voice.</p>
<p>“Nothing.”</p>
<p>“That’s a suspicious answer if I ever heard one”, Chimney leans back, thoughtful, “so there are three options. One, there’s a new special someone we know nothing about in your life. Which is unlikely so, “he continues counting with his fingers, “two, it’s Chris or it has something to do with Chris. But he has an afternoon project today at school, so that’s out, too. Which leaves us with one option–“</p>
<p>“Buck”, Hen and Chimney exclaim at the same time.</p>
<p>Eddie’s stomach drops. “This”, he gestures to them, “is creepy.”</p>
<p>His phone lights up again, but he’s too scared to look at it with them watching. Instead, he asks:</p>
<p>“How do you know about Chris’ afternoon project anyway? I never told you guys.”</p>
<p>“We all know, Eddie”, Hen replies amused, “you tell Buck, Buck tells Maddie, Maddie tells Chim–“</p>
<p>“I tell Hen, Hen tells Athena, Athena tells Bobby–“</p>
<p>Eddie sighs. “And then everybody knows.”</p>
<p>“Basically. Yeah”, Hen’s smile somehow grows gentler, “so, what is our golden boy doing?”</p>
<p>Eddie doesn’t even try to deny it. “He’s cooking with Bobby. Cap’s teaching him a new recipe apparently.”</p>
<p>“Nice. That means a new recipe for him to cook for Maddie and I.”  </p>
<p>“I don’t need to wait for Buck to learn it. I can just get my Bobby food at Athena’s”, Hen proudly interjects.</p>
<p>“Being a show-off is unbecoming, Henrietta.”</p>
<p>“I don’t care, Howard”, she sings, “speaking of food, I need to see what they’re making.”</p>
<p>Chim also stands up. “I’ll go with you. We can grill Buck on his flirty phone call.”</p>
<p>Hen throws an arm over Chimney’s shoulder. “Yeah, I still don’t really believe your assessment here, Chim”, her attention turns towards Eddie, “are you coming, too?”</p>
<p>He nods. “Yeah, just give me a minute.”</p>
<p>She smiles knowingly but says nothing. “Sure.”</p>
<p>When they’re out of reach, Eddie unlocks his phone. There are several new messages from Buck:</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <strong>[3:36PM]: i’m slow to notice things apparently </strong>
</p>
<p>
  <strong>[3:36PM] but being bobbys pet project is not bad when it means i can cook more for my two favorite people</strong>
</p>
<p>
  <strong>[3:37PM] and maddie but i’m only adding her right now because i’m scared she somehow finds out i didn’t include her in this </strong>
</p>
<p>
  <strong>[3:37PM] [she’s actually kind of my number one but it’s like a separate list because she’s my sister, so it doesn’t count DON’T TELL HER]</strong>
</p>
<p>
  
</p>
<p>Eddie snorts for a second, looks around, lets his smile widen. There’s nobody to watch him, anyway.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>*</p>
<p>It’s already pretty late by the time their shift is over. Chris is staying over at Abuela’s, they have the entire house for themselves. Eddie’s leaning back on his couch, his eyes flutter shut. He hears Buck in the kitchen; the fridge opening and closing again.</p>
<p>“Beer?” Buck holds one out, Eddie accepts it.</p>
<p>“Thanks”, he takes a sip, puts the beer bottle down on the coffee table, “Chris was sad he missed your second night here. I had to promise him a sleep-over in the living room on the weekend.”</p>
<p>Buck laughs, drinks. “I’m meeting Taylor on Saturday, but Sunday is fair game.”</p>
<p>Eddie swallows, takes the beer bottle again, so he doesn’t fidget with his hands. “How’s that going?”</p>
<p>Buck smiles, doesn’t seem to notice Eddie’s change in demeanor. “Good! Honestly, I’m surprised. We never really talked back then, we only hooked up”, he winces, “god, that was so messy. But we actually have a lot in common. Or– I mean a lot to talk about. It’s nice.”</p>
<p>Nice. <em>Right.</em> “So. Still friends?”, Eddie voices carefully.</p>
<p>Buck turns to Eddie now, watches his face. “Yeah?”, his voice wary, “why are you asking me like that?”</p>
<p>“Sorry”, Eddie exhales, “I know you’re only friends. You told me. And I believe you.”</p>
<p>Buck tilts his head to the side. “But?”</p>
<p>“There’s no but. You two decided to be friends. That’s what you are. And if something changes–“</p>
<p>“Nothing will change”, Buck protests.</p>
<p>“If something changes”, Eddie pauses, “that’s completely fine, too.”</p>
<p>“Yeah?”, Buck murmurs, his eyes searching something in Eddie’s face. Eddie doesn’t know what he’s looking for, but he hopes, he finds it. He nods, multiple times, even when the gesture seems to be stuck in his body.</p>
<p>“Yeah. Of course.” <em>Of course. </em>Because Buck became an <em>of course,</em> too. Buck became an of course in Eddie’s life, a self-evident fact. Someone he can see in his life forever. A presence that will never leave. Because Buck and Eddie never stood on separate escalators going in different directions. They were never swimming against the tide or running towards the wind. Eddie knows, there’s Buck when he turns around. When he searches for a helping hand, Buck is already reaching out. And there’s only one direction they’re heading towards: forward.</p>
<p>Buck starts nodding, too, as if he finally got the answer he was looking for. Then, he breaks eye-contact with Eddie, takes another big sip, and turns towards the TV in front of them. Eddie feels off-kilter all of a sudden as if he spoke the lines of a script without knowing the title of the play. Or his character’s name. Or the lines being spoken just before his.</p>
<p>
  <em>Something changed, but he’s not sure if he’s heading for the climax or the catastrophe of the play. </em>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Thank you for reading! Comments and kudos are always appreciated and I'm happy to discuss anything 9-1-1 related with you guys in the comments lmao.</p>
<p>(Also I wanted to inform you (tentatively) that there will be another chapter coming out this week. In case someone's wondering.)</p>
<p>I hope you all had a good start to the week and a nice day/night, wherever you are! Take care &lt;3</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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